well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
