I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize