so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
