I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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