he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
