He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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