You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
