capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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