I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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