you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
