Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I take back everything I said about communal showers
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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