Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
