Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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