i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Randomize
