He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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