I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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