Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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