He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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