I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
