Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
