I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I can't turn off my feet"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
