I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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