This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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