yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
