when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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