is your mom at the bar?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I understand Curling. That high.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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