she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
