White coat. Heels.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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