I feel like abortions should bother me more
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
