Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
whose parrot is this?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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