I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
