I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
