he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Randomize
