i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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