what day is it and did you see me today?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
