my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
