I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
