party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize