I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
