I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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