someone threw a dead crab at me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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