Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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