Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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