a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
