I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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