The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
