Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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