I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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