Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
