Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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