I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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