Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
