How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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