It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
