i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize