Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you will always have a special place in my vag
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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