I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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