Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
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