Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
