She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
