I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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